APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unlessaccompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age,explain ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes__No
C. A waterbed?__Yes> __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo?> __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes__No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________
Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be: ______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:> > ______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) ___________________________________________________________
Mother's SignatureFather's> Signature _____________________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi __________________________________________________ State> Representative/Congressman_______________________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine andnon-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do nottry to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If yourapplication is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.(you might watch your back) To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for Dating.... Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a> package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance ather, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keepyour> eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling offtheir hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of yourfriends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door withyour underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will notobject. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take myelectric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex withoututilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when itcomes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know eachother, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is anindication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunitiesto date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, youwill continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If youmake her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter toappear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to beon time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden GateBridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful,like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with mydaughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a woodenstool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warmenough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, oranything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up toher throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to beavoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Oldfolks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where youare going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, thewhole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and fiveacres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistakethe sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a ricepaddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in myhead frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring mydaughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the carwith both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in aclear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, thenreturn to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflagedface at the window is mine.